How the heck did I end up in Saudi? my story and family.

A different culture.....

     Originally written July 1999 and updated July 2003

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   Saudi Arabia is considered the cradle of Islam and all Saudis are of the Moslem faith. They are brought up learning and memorizing the Quran, the Moslems holy book, which was dictated to the prophet Mohamed (who lived in Mecca and Medina) by God. The Quran has rules for every aspect of life, from what to do with left over food, to rules for loaning money to others, to how a woman acts in the presence of strangers. Strangers, meaning any man that she is allowed to marry under the Moslem faith, those that a woman can not marry are her father, brothers, uncles, sons and  nephews. Islam allows first cousin marriages and too many, do marry these cousins because its them that they can actually see and talk to openly! Usually a girls first love is from her cousins. A home will have two sitting rooms, one for the ladies and one for the men, who is allowed to sit with the women will most likely be dictated by the man of the home.
   And yes the 10 commandments are in the Quran, if in a different text but they are there. Many of the Islamic rules are sunnah (soun-nah) meaning that they are preferred but not a must. Because most rules, are sunnah, there are many translations as to their meanings and this has caused many different interpretations and conflict among Moslems.
   Some families are 'open minded' while on the other hand  there are the very steadfast and religiously strict families. The open minded people are this way within their homes but when these same people are in public and especially the teens, they will behave in the more strict Islamic ways. They do not wish to upset others who do hold tight to the Qurans teachings but as teens, it doesn't hurt to try!!
   There has evolved, the Matawa (ma-ta-wa), very religious men that have taken it upon themselves to police the streets and make sure that people are adhering to the rules of Islam. The government can not stop these Matawa because some might think that the government are going against Islam. The disadvantage of these men, is that he, the Matawah, has his own understanding of Islam. They watch mainly, for promiscuity, any man/boy or woman/girl simply talking in public can be questioned as to how they relate to each other and if the Matawah decides that they are breaking the rules, then both the boy and girl can be punished. The sentence could be a public lashing for the boy and the girl receive a jail sentence, both of these punishments are meant to bring dishonor upon the father and brothers of each person.
   The Matawah ensure that prayer times are observed, during working hours this includes three timings. He will stand and argue with everyone about going to prayer when he himself could be praying and adhering more to his beliefs..... They look for any displays in a store, does it adhere to the Islamic rules, they will make a video movie store take down certain posters or remove certain movies. Restaurants must have a separate family section where women can sit together, if they are with a son or husband, he may join them, BUT, men can be questioned about the women sitting with him.

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   This brings up the meaning of a harem, in the west, most people believe a harem is a large group of wives and concubines. It actually means all the women in a man's family. The harem (ha-reem, meaning women) will include wives, daughters, mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces and cousins, OR any female that the man is not allowed to marry.
   All women must wear the abaya (aa-by-ya) which is a light-weight black cover-all with no shape, then there is the hair/ head cover that a woman wears to cover her hair and neck. The foreign women (only in Jeddah) might get away with no head scarf during non peak shopping hours. In some families, a woman will cover her face with a veil, not a must in Islam but the ladies prefer this to ward off stares and interest in herself, especially if she is wearing make-up.
   Then you have the overly religious, the woman wears black stockings so no leg will show and they wear black gloves, no skin of the body showing, but this is very extreme and only about 10% of the Saudi females do this. The veil can also be a burgah (bur-gah) or a face cover with an opening for the eyes, you've probably seen this in news coverage of the Middle East. BUT the Quran teaches, that a woman does not have to cover her face or hands and this is argued constantly by different Matawah. Mostly its the men that have decided if his 3harem4 will or wont have to cover their faces.
   I was very lucky, in so much as, I had no idea about the type of society that I married into, and that my husbands family are semi open minded!! My husband is one of 10 children and six of the brothers have married non Saudis making us, as my mother-in-law puts it, an international family. Two wives are Italian, one is Tunisia, two are Palestinian and I am American, when we get together the men and women are open and free with each other. All the men and women as well as cousins and anyone married to the cousins will talk, eat, joke and dance together. My mother-in-law will greet and meet with our relatives when they come to visit Jeddah, she is not hesitant about sitting with this stranger to her, they are part of our families. She might cover her face but will talk openly with them.
   My daughter married into a conservative, but not fanatic, family, the sisters-in-law, while in the presence of the brothers, will be wearing the Hejab (he-jab) type of dress, that is, a long sleeved, high necked loose blouse over a loose fitting long skirt and they wear a head cover but not covering their faces and not overdoing the makeup. They stick to the belief that each of the brothers are allowed to marry his sister-in-law (after she is divorced or widowed) so they cover from him.

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As for dating, ha ha... no such thing!!
  When a man wants to marry (or his parents insist that its time) he will tell his mother and she will make it known to all the female members of the family and the hunt begins... The groom is shown pictures of girls and gets a description of her, including a background of her and her family, if he agrees to that girl then the mother will go to that girls mother in a visit to get to know her. After talking with her husband the woman will then tell the girls family that they want to ask for the girls hand in marriage. The girls mother will gracefully say it is an honor and they would need a chance to get their daughters approval. The girls family will ask around, about the proposed husbands family, their status in the community, their morals and if the groom would be a good husband for their daughter.
   If the girl agrees to the marriage then another visit is arraigned for the mother and father with the prospective groom to visit the girls family. If the men are sitting separate from the women, the bride will enter and offer coffee and dates to the group, then leave, the men will negotiate. But if the ladies will sit with the men then its easier as the couple can sit together and talk a bit. Supposedly, this is the first time that the bride and groom see each other.
   If they both agree to the marriage then they become engaged and this engagement period is the getting to know each other time. This is the time they can become acquainted or 'date'. Mind you, dating might mean, only phone calls! Some families will allow the groom to visit in the brides home, under supervision.
    Some families do not allow the engagement to stretch out, they will go directly to the Melka (mel-ka) which is the actual marriage ceremony! After the melka, the groom could 3take4 his bride at any time if he wished and no one could stop him. Of course the groom wants to stay on the good side of his brides family so he will obey their rules during the Melka. If the couple for some reason decide against the union they can break off the engagement or in the case of the Melka, they must divorce!
   The more open minded families will allow their daughter to come and say that she had found a mate and his mother will be coming to ask for her hand in marriage to her son. As is this case, my daughter met her husband while they were both working in the hospital during their 7th year of Medical school which is the internship here. She told me about her fellow doctor and that they had spoken, short chats, she said that he asked her, if she minded that he come and ask for her hand and my daughter said that I was to expect a phone call from his mother!! His mother phoned the next night and we met the following night! We had a getting acquainted visit and it turned out that my husband knew his father from way back. A month later she phoned me again to say that the two kids had talked and agreed on everything and that all that was left for us to do was to get them engaged!
   I had wanted my daughter to be engaged for at least 6 months as this would give her a chance to get to know her prospective husband and his lifestyle. She argued this, saying it was like having a boyfriend and that in Islam this was not allowed. Because the two fathers knew each other and about each other, my daughter had her Melka just 2 1/2 months after the engagement. The couple met many times at our home and our beach cabin and got along well, the two decided they wanted to be 3fully married4. The groom was set in life, he had his own apartment in his fathers building and was on his way to the good life of a doctor, we had no argument at the marriage so the couple had their wedding party just four months after the engagement, or just four months after actually meeting!
   From the extremes of weddings, my son had a friend who had visited a girls family and asked for her hand in marriage, he was told that there would be NO engagement and if he wanted her he had to do the Melka, he got to see the girl the one time and decided to go ahead with their Melka. Even after they were fully married in the eyes of God and the community, he wasn't allowed to visit or talk to his wife even on the phone! Her father said, after the marriage he could do what ever he wanted, so he had to go through with the wedding and hope for the best! We lost contact with him so I don't know how that turned out...
   Of course there is always a family that will not allow their kids to decide on who they want as a marriage partner, instead the parents will insist that the girl or boy will marry the person they have chosen for him or her, hence arraigned marriages. Some families will not allow their girls to marry until the first male cousins marry because they believe that their girls should marry from the first cousins. Once those cousins marry some other girl then they allow their daughter to take an outsider husband, this will apply to every girl in that family too! In some families, the girls will marry in order of age, until the oldest has married the rest have to wait their turns.
   What you hear about 3honor killings4 in the Middle East is quite true! If a girl disgraces her families honor, in extreme cases, simply with being caught with a man in a remote spot is enough. The girls family might have her killed to restore their honor. You do not hear of this too much in Saudi because its kept quiet but in Lebanon and Syria it gets the headlines in the news. People believe this is the only way to prove to the community that they are an honorable family and do not have loose morals! OF COURSE this doesn't stop the kids from trying!!!
   I have had girls phoning my sons since they hit puberty and some of the girls have met with them in restaurants or other places! If the kids were caught it would cause all hell to break loose or the worse could happen.
   You can easily see the girls that are 3inviting4 the interests of a boy in the malls, as she passes a boy she likes, she will open her abaya (as if she were fixing it) and close it again and usually generating interest in all the boys around! Of course she's wearing the tightest jeans or a mini skirt and a skimpy top under the abaya! And another past time is for her to pass a small piece of paper to a boy with her name and phone number on it. Or the boy will try to pass a paper to the girl, he will drop it in front of her and if she's interested shell pick it up. Now though with the internet and 3chatting4 its becoming much easier for them to chat, generate an interest and arrange meetings!
   If a girl should lose her virginity then she will be sure to fly off to Egypt a day or two before her wedding, to do a virginity repair job! I don't know how it works but it does and is only good for about 6 days and no one is the wiser. This saves the reputation of a girl who might have made a mistake and goes on to stay married for years while raising a very honorable family. Some families, to this day, require the man to produce the towel or tissue used on the wedding  night, to show proof that his wife was a virgin! Others families wanting to be more discreet, might do a check of the bed sheets the next morning. There are still the more normal families that leave this bit of information up to the husbands discretion and secrecy, its taken for granted that a girl is a virgin on her wedding night.
   You might think that I must really love my husband to be able to live here, well it is not so much that I love my husband but more that I am very content to stay at home and that I have many things to keep me busy! I'm content to visit with my in-laws for special occasions and don't want to be out much. So many of the newly married foreign wives that come here just cant adjust and the couple end up divorcing which causes so many problems where the children are concerned!
   In the Saudi society, a divorced woman must return to her fathers home, or legal guardian if the father has died, women are not allowed to live alone in this society. If she has a son of legal age, about 16, she is lucky because he can be her legal guardian.
   Once divorced, if a foreign woman does not have a Saudi man legally able to become her guardian, then she MUST return to her home country which makes for distance between her and the children. If she has a son, 16 or older, then he can be her guardian and the woman can continue living in Saudi, if she could afford it, or her ex agree to pay for their living expenses.
   In Islam, any children should stay with their mother until the boy turns 8 or the girl 10 then the father has the right to take them into his home. When you think about this, putting a mothers feelings aside, it makes sense because the father could provide for his children better. Also if the mother were to re-marry not too many men will agree to caring for another man's children. These days most women work so a woman with a monthly income have the advantage of being able to support her children if she were to stay here with them.
   One of our nieces is divorced and her ex is allowing her to bring up their daughter in her fathers home because he knows that his daughter will have a good and moral upbringing. Where as, my daughters sister-in-law has been alienated from her daughter after their divorce, the poor child has been told all sorts of bad stories that turned the now 13 year old, against her mother and there is no contact between them.
   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi since the 1950s, they did drive here but for some reason this was banned. This is the ONLY country in the Middle East that does not allow women to drive and run the errands for their families. No we don't just stay home, most families have a driver and too many have more than one, such as my in-laws who have three. This expense places more burdens on a household, a place to house the driver, feed him and take care of all his expenses during any illnesses not to mention a monthly salary and plane tickets every two years for his vacation. Of course most drivers don't take pride in the car that they use and just use it, you cant simply fire him if there was a big accident, you've gotten so use to having him available and it will take about three months to replace him, if you get a new driver in the same way that this one came to you. 99% of drivers are third world nationals and to get one either involves your husband flying to the country and interviewing one and bringing him back with him or getting a labor providing office in another country to send one to you, and it doesn't happen over night, visas, medical papers, police record checks, about three months!!
   As for women working in Saudi, most families are against this because they believe the woman's most important job is raising her children and caring for her husband. BUT more and more men are understanding that a woman has her own life as well and do not mind that she might work as long as there is care for any children not yet in school and that there will be a meal for them all when its time. Now that Saudi is no longer the very rich country that it use to be, two incomes in a home is being undertaken by more families.
   Even those who do not allow their women to work, WILL allow them to own and run a business, I guess they don't realize that this is considered working? My sister-in-law owns a tailor shop that she also runs. There is not too many places a woman can work in Saudi because their work should follow the guidelines of Islam, that they are not in direct contact with a man, as in an office for 9 hours. Women are working mostly in the girls schools and universities, and women's institutions, i.e. women's bank branches, shops exclusively for women and women's hairdressers. The one exception to this rule is working in a hospital where its impossible to separate the sexes.
   Unless a store is exclusively a women's store, all the sales men, in any shop, large or small, are men and usually third world country workers. Philippines seem to be the major group of third world country foreign workers. It is very unnerving to try to buy sexy lingerie from a shop when you have to ask about a color or size. Here is this, usually small figured eastern man, fondling the bra or nightie and answering your questions.
   In Riyadh, years ago, while passing one store, I noticed that the bra on display in the window was on the bust mannequin upside down! As funny as it looked I could only wonder if the owner had ever seen his wife undressing? At least he could have seen his mistake simply by looking in any other stores with bras! Never expect to try on something in a store, not allowed, you've got to try it at home and if it needs changing make another trip back to the store and hope they have the size you want. Only 1% of stores will refund money so if the size you want is not available then you're stuck with exchanging for something else.
   In the Arab world, cursing is sometimes used in a loving way!! A father might hold his son while hugging him and say, arse (arr-se) or Fuc..er (this word slang is used in Lebanon and Syria)!! The men very easily curse here and the young children catch on quickly and you'll hear them cursing at the age of 2, very unnerving....
   My son learned one curse and began using it, his brother came to me and told me about this. I suggested we ignore it this first time but if he continued to come tell me again. When he came again and told me what the younger brother was saying I brought this small-fry before me and asked if he knew what he was saying. The Arabic curse he used, I told him, meant you're mothers bottom (he was only 6 then), the dumb kid literally fell on the floor laughing and didn't say it again!!
   It also urks me to no end that when men get angry at another man they automatically curse the sister or mother of the other.... supposedly to cause more hurt to his honor... I've come up with a few curses of my own against the men who do this.
 In the Arabic world men will lovingly say to his son, you dog or you animal or you're father is a dog. WHY do they have to lovingly curse at all???

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