Humor from and about Saudi Arabia

Humor

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You KNOW you've lived in Saudi too long when......

For those who might get all upset about this, remember that this is written from a FOREIGNERS point of view. Actually most of it is true! For those who are here, have been here or wonder what it would be like to be here:

You enjoy camping in the sand. (My addition) and drinking tea from a burnt pot.
You are not surprised to see a goat in the passenger seat.
You serve coffee in a thimble. (My addition) note: Arabic Coffee cups come in 3/4 or 1 oz. size)
You expect the confirmation of your airline reservation to be "Inshallah." (God willing)
You think everyone's last name begins with AL -.
You buy a falcon hood for your gear shift.
You don't expect to eat dinner until 10:30 PM. (My addition) on an ordinary evening.
You need a sweater when it's 90 degrees F, or you wear a jacket inside and take it off when you go out.
You serve Listerine over ice.
You think that all international flights depart after midnight.
You think SR500 is a good price.
You enjoy Channel 2. (That'll be the day!)
You have to write an official apology to the police because your wife's toes were uncovered in the souq.
You think cars are available only in white.
You expect everyone to own a mobile phone.
Your idea of housework is leaving a list for the house boy.
You understand "Mafi Mushkilla" (it's ok, no problem) to mean Big Problems!
Your measure of success is coming home from the souq without a confrontation.
You own more than one Rolex.
You think black is appropriate daytime wear.
You think all crimes should be punishable by beheading.
Your favorite hamburger chain features a goat for a logo.
You think anyone carrying a cane is out to get you.
You enjoy the Arab News because it has few advertisements.
Your best friend asks you to a 'goat grab' (BBQ) out in the desert.
You think your neighbor gives a great hair cut.
You carry an umbrella and it isn't raining.
You give directions by landmarks. (My addition) there are not many named streets here.
You think all gas stations are made of marble.
You think desert storm is a war.
You look forward to the Monday edition of "Islam in Perspective."
You think every major sale is preceded by cups of tea.
You think being liberated means sitting in the female section.
You think the 'feminine mystique' means covering up.
You measure time by the number of prayer calls.
You expect a palace on every corner.
You think Kleenex belongs on the dining table (My addition) as well as every table in the house.
You prefer a designer abaya.
You think the biggest event of the year is a camel race.
You think the only way to buy a car is with cash & from an open air market.
You think a picnic means pulling over on the side of the road with your TV, box of chicken and water pipe.
You believe that speed limits are only advisory.
You expect to go to jail when a local national hits the back of your car at a stop sign.
You think shopping malls are covered souqs.
You can judge a perfect "10" by the ankle.
You think carpets belong on the wall.
You know which end of a shwarma to unwrap first.
You think the further you inch into the middle of the intersection, the faster the light will turn green.
You believe that the definition of a nanosecond is the time interval between the time the light turns green and the time that the guy behind you begins to blow his horn.
You think a red light means run it.
You can't buy anything without asking for a discount.
You have more carpets than floor space.
You make left turns from the far right lane.
You expect gold for your next birthday.
You ask for a Bebsi and not a Pepsi. (My addition) Arabic doesn't have a p sound.
You think the uncut version (uncensored) of "Little House on the Prairie" is provocative.
You resign your position a year in advance.
You think water comes only in bottles.
You think stores around the world close five times a day.
You send friends a map instead of your address.
You think only men should hold hands in public.
You think "girlfriend" means, a woman with loose morals.
You enjoy going to Saudi weddings. (My addition) Khowing that; you're going to a woman's party, after 10:30 PM and won't be home until 5 AM, the bride will not arrive before 1 AM, you won't see any man (except the poor Groom) during the entire evening, dinner won't be served before 2 AM and you'll never taste the wedding cake.
You turn up the air conditioning to write Christmas Cards.
(My addition) Going grocery shopping becomes a family affair.
(My addition) Taking a walk means waiting for Winter to arrive. LOL!!!

Originallly written by Mrs Hayes from JP

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Saudi Printers

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An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

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Tampa Tribune
During the Gulf War, US service women were urged to wear the abaya.

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This can only be understood by someone that knows a bit of Arabic.

How things would be different if the Microsoft Head Quarters were in Riyadh.

First of all, their #1 product would be "Sha-ba-beek" (arabic word for windows) and"Microsoft" will be Arab-ised to Sha-ri-kat "Sa-gheer-Lay'in" Li Sina'at Al-wata-ni-yah.
Then:
1- Every product would have two versions: Singles & Family.
2- All demo applications would be veiled.
3- When installing any application, in addition to the product serial number you will need to type in your Iqama/Visa number.
4- Booting will take 1 hr and Startup 3hrs.
5- Your PC will shut down for prayer.
6- During Ramadan you PC will not allow you to "input" any data or floppies until after If-tar.
7- Standard screen savers will include a picture of a matawwa shouting, "Sa-loo ... and Grha-tee Ya Ho-rma... and Waen al Iqama"
8- Networking without a mah-ram will be Haram.
9- All outside e-mail will have to go through "Data Customs".
10- Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get a seb-ha (prayer beads).
11- Occasionally, you'd bring up a "Shu-bak" (window) that's covered up in iron bars (homes in Saudi all have bars to keep out burglurs)
12- Tall Brick walls & plastic screens would be "Standard" on every PC. and separating each program.
13- Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Inshallah", "MaFee",or "In-sa al Malwdoo" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
14- Instead of "Ta-da!", the opening sound would be a Hut-bah (surmon)
15- The "Recycle Bin" in Shababeek would be a Wan-net (small pick up truck)

16- You'd have applications like: Wa-hed Ith-naan Tha-latha Ka-ther, Nuq-tat Al-Ku-wa (Power Point), Ka-li-mat (Word processor).
17- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old "KABRIS".
18- Sha-ba-beek logo would incorporate a rear view mirror with an e-gal.

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A new foreign business man arriving to work in Saudi: